The last time I wrote about being independent and enjoying your own company I completely ignored the other side which I had battled for years before I became “Miss Independent” and some things which I still struggle with. Some of my early memories of being by myself and reluctantly doing things alone came from my immediate surroundings. I use to look for an adult to make my diagrams in the science book because mine were not as neat and perfect but I wanted everyone to go all wow about them, so the easiest way was to catch a neighbour or in this particular case, my dad’s friend who was visiting. He was about to begin the drawing when my dad walked in and got riled up. He told me that no matter how bad they turn out, you have to draw them yourself. He said I need to learn to do things myself because I was old enough. Well I was nine and smart, so I used carbon paper to trace the diagram and it looked horrible and unreal. That’s when I took it up as a challenge and slowly not just my diagrams but also my drawings got people’s attention. It turned out to be a life lesson. If you want things done perfectly in your way then do them yourself.
Another harsh memory of learning to entertain myself came from my neighbour who didn’t let me enter her house because her daughter and I had a fight the other day. A ten year old me stood outside their open door for about half an hour and that woman never let me in. It was rather sad for a child but that made me realize how to play alone if needed and I am sure many of us have had so many such experiences which molded us today.
For me, being independent always meant earning my own money, taking my own decisions, putting myself first, being my true self and doing things I love even if I don’t have anybody by my side. Today I just want to share two sides of the same coin; of being independent in every way possible which was a step by step journey and a rather long one but I learnt it in my own time and might I say I am still learning!
The Pros:
-Independence is liberating. You feel unstoppable when you realize that you don’t need somebody by your side to do things like buying a car, watching a film, getting your favourite food, travelling, shopping and just about everything you thought you needed a companion for. You won’t look back after your first time, it makes you that confident.
- You get to change plans and work out a suitable time as per your own schedule without hurting other people or yourself. Say you want to go for a movie tonight but you have to meet a deadline then you can watch it tomorrow night without thinking too much but if you have made plans with someone and you reschedule that might not always turn out well, you will either be left behind or tomorrow might not suit all the parties involved.
- You don’t have to do things half-heartedly and then complain about it, you can just say no. Being independent teaches you to say no. This one might not go down well with a lot of people because I remember a girl complaining about a bad film she watched just for her friends and when I asked why she even went, she told me because you can’t be so difficult and everyone was going. I think we are too old to be doing things everyone is doing. This is my most controversial pro and I am guilty of not saying no sometimes.
- Being independent means cancelling out a lot of unnecessary noise and drama from your life. Your friend circle will be smaller and close knit; you learn to differentiate between friends and acquaintances. You will become a no nonsense person. You will value yourself and your mental peace more as you become aware about priorities, this only happens when you put yourself first and when you finally put yourself first you get to see who stays and who leaves.
- You won’t care too much about what others think; in fact you might end up motivating them to do something alone. Humans learn by example not by advising. I have had people looking at me while I ate at a restaurant because I was alone and I was a girl but I think they need to see more and more people dining alone in India before they realize that it is ok and maybe one day they will think of me and grab that beer alone instead of waiting for their friends to make a weekend clubbing plan.
-You are more confident and eager to learn new things because you are not pre-occupied thinking about doing something only when you have company. “I want to learn salsa but I am trying to convince a friend to join”, what if your friend doesn’t like salsa? I want to travel to Europe but my friends won’t get so many days off”, well if you are getting many days off and if you have been just planning then please book your tickets. It’s always great to have a friend or a partner with you who is as eager to learn new things and of course you should make plans with your friends but don’t stop just because they said no. You have the right to enjoy and experience new things. Being independent doesn’t mean you have to be a recluse, it just means you do things you like with or without company.
-You wouldn’t be bogged down by too many opinions when you are making a decision, because as an independent person you wouldn’t ask too many people or anybody for that matter. From buying that dress to spending your entire savings on your favourite car, all those decisions will be yours and you would be so sure about things that you wouldn’t need to ask everyone you know for advise.
- You wouldn’t have to starve yourself to death before everyone picks a decent place to eat. This is my most precious pro because food is life. I went without eating for ten hours because I was hanging out with a bunch of people who couldn’t decide where to eat or found some places too expensive or too hyped or some people were missing so we had to wait for them to finalize a café or some of them wanted to eat one specific thing only. Save yourself the utter chaos and grab a bite wherever you want. There is a famous Marathi folklore, “Aadhi potoba, mag Vithoba” (Food first, spirituality later) and I abide by that.
The Cons:
-You will find it difficult to be with a team or bunch of people. You become so used to doing things alone that it becomes difficult to be with a lot of people. Independent people lack the important skill of small talks. It’s out of character for them and it shows and is most often misunderstood as arrogance.
-You don’t realize when to ask for help. It becomes so habitual to do things alone that when you are unable to do something, you might end up feeling like a failure or waste too much time doing something which someone might be able to help you with. If being independent makes you strong and confident, it also makes you push people away and be stubborn. I once went on a trek and by the time it ended I was in no condition to stand when a guy offered to help me with my backpack since he was an ardent trekker but I refused. Him and the guide had to wait every fifteen minutes for me because I wouldn’t let them help me but he finally had to be stern and asked me to hand over my bag for at least sometime.
-Independent people can sometimes come across as they have it together all the time, are too practical and unemotional. Sometimes I can’t relate to someone crying over a small fight or feeling depressed about not being included or not being invited for something, because I don’t see that as an issue. One day a friend of mine told me that she has no dream because her relationship is falling apart and that amazed me but later another friend said that’s because everyone is not as practical as you. When you have seen everything with the lens of practicality you cannot relate to half the people you meet.
-You are less aware about certain things when you don’t interact or talk to a lot of people. I have learnt so much from people I met during my travel or even strangers who made me think how different things are when you hear from people’s experiences compared to what you have read or researched about. I remember a guide at Agra Fort who insisted I take him along because Google won’t be as helpful as him and he was absolutely right.
-Relationships take a backseat because you don’t really find a lot of relatable people or you set the standards too high. Most relationships work on co-dependency which is completely out of syllabus for an independent individual.
What I have observed is that you become more independent as you age, so if you are not there yet you will get there but you need to understand that it is completely alright to not have company every single time. Everything has its pros and cons but you decide which pill is difficult to swallow and what is liberating for you.
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